I might be being my hyper critical old self, but I think I took a long time to learn to ride a bike. I remember not even finishing one rotation of the pedals before flinging my foot down to the ground. Everything in my heart told me I could do it like everyone else. Everything in my head screamed I couldn’t. Eventually I, grudgingly, had to do that ignorance plus faith thing. You know, when you’re pushed from behind, then you’re cycling alone without knowing? Of course, as soon as I stopped focusing forward and glanced back, down went the foot again. I was REALLY good at glancing back. And really good at shoving my foot on the floor in panic.
It’s the oldest analogy in the world but, as a dearest of mine says, there’re clichés for a good reason – they work. I, finally, after a few years of trying to get off the stabilisers, feel like I have momentum in life. I have that elation like when you know you’re going as fast and as freely (and as under control as you can be) on two wheels. I know I may fall off but the fear’s overtaken by the wish for exhilaration. It’s that click over from ‘I want to achieve this’ to ‘I deserve to achieve this’.
If you ask me what’s created the momentum, I wouldn’t be able to point to one thing, an epiphany or a person. I can only tell you, that like learning to ride a bike, I’ve just realised no one’s pushing me along anymore. They let go ages ago. And I’ve stopped looking back for them. My first independent journeying has been my dedicated daily routine for over four months. Twenty minutes of yoga in the morning. 10-20 minutes meditation whenever in the day. Gratitude diary every night before my eyes close. Staying out of gossip where possible. Talking positively where possible when I don’t feel like it. Making the voices in my head nicer. It’s been living ‘I deserve this’ in little rotations of the cycle. I would have sneered at myself for all this a while ago, but I believe freewheeling can only come when you stop caring about what others think if it, hand on heart, makes sense and feels good to you.
I can’t bend like a pretzel yet. I can’t clear my mind for the full stretch of the meditation. I sometimes have to force myself to find a list of things to celebrate from my day. But it’s working. I can feel it now. Less goes wrong for me. My new friends are more the people I admire and can love openly. I’ve even considered starting my own business for the first time ever. I have momentum and there are momentous things a-coming.
There is time for massive action sometimes. But that takes a leap of faith. And if you’re not used to being kind to yourself, it can appear more like throwing yourself into the gaping jaws of hell. I’m not ready for that yet. But I will be soon.
Sometimes you’ve just got to sit down and push your feet round at a rhythm and pace that suits you. Enough you get a little breathless; enough to feel the energy lift; enough to feel the freedom; enough that you can stop steering for two minutes, lift your hands from the bars and keep gliding in the right direction.