If you have read more than a couple of my posts (firstly thanks!), you’ll know that I’m all about the journey. I’m excited about where things are headed and how. But I was reminded so rightly this week that, sometimes it’s good to take stock of where I am now. Forgive me if this seems self-indulgent but it seems important to do. If you skip it, I’ll understand 🙂.
So under the comfort of my blanket, gazing through sheer curtains at a dull wintery light, this is me today.
I am soft. I remember being told once by a boy, when I was but a girl, ‘you’re too nice’. I fought against that label for a long time, tried to toughen up. In reality, I got about as tough as a 4 ply tissue. This woman here, she was never designed to be tough. Strong, yes, but not a chance at tough. I shed a tear when I see people happy, passionate or strong. I’ve shed a happy tear with one or two of you on here already. I live for hugs and gentle words, even if they have to carry hard messages. I will always cringe at rough and careless words, gestures or actions, not because I don’t understand them, but because I wish they could be avoided. I’ll remove the bugs (even the Australian spiders) from the house, I’ll even talk to them on their way out, but please don’t ask me to try to squash anything. Ever. I react to almost anything, not because they impact me, but because I actually care.
What keeps me soft is an innate trust that people, one by one, hold good in them. And that the world is a glorious place. There is much to see and learn, if only I stay open to what each day brings my way in its fabulous variety. For no two days are the same, regardless of the backdrop. I smile each day I see someone give a dollar to that man who begs outside Sportsgirl each morning. If I’ve no change that day, I make enough time so we can wish each other a lovely day. Not because I want to be a big person, but because he is a human too. It may mean that, when we talk, I am glancing over your shoulder sometimes. I know it’s aggravating, and it’s not because I am bored, it’s because I’ve caught a glimpse of connectivity somewhere and I love to see that. It also means that I will, very annoyingly, try to find the positive in anything you are attempting to convey to me. I do try to just empathise, I promise, but sometimes I get caught up in hearing the pain and trying to remove it. I feel like most people are unwittingly fluent in negativity and I am hopelessly compelled to battle against it. I know it’s annoying as hell.
I am blessed to have in my life family, my ‘family’ and friends. Whilst I am not someone who happily lives in the pockets of anyone, I hold several souls very close to me. I have ‘sisters’ and ‘brothers’ and ‘cousins’ around the world. We may not speak often and we may not know the nuances of each other’s lives, but the door and the heart is always open. Don’t ask me to remember their birthdays (I have even forgotten my mother’s birthday once! Never again, mind), their anniversaries or any other important date, but I will remember the situation they were last in and the last laugh we shared. Don’t ask me to explain how my group of friends grows, because it will be in a multitude of ways, just be content that they are all wonderful people. And no, I will NEVER need them all in the same room together. Then I will just freak out. It’s never about me being the connection, but about connections shared in others.
And then to the nitty gritty…I have evolved. No, I really have.
I no longer need to have my toothbrush facing head down over the sink to discourage bugs landing on its bristles. I’ve stopped taking my contact lenses anywhere in the house and forgetting to throw them away. I am WAY tidier than I used to be. My writing has now grown to be a little bigger than health insurance terms and conditions on the bottom of a junk mail. I may not bite my nails EVERY day. I learned more trekking through Namibia than I did during 3 years of university. The things that I’ve done of which I am ashamed do not define me.
Any criticism heard of me has already been embedded in my own brain, in my own voice – I am working on that. I was told once that my judgement was terrible, I am unlearning that too.
I love pretty things yet I generally hate shopping (go figure). I speak too quietly for most, and yet have bigger dreams each day and will now blog most of it, even with heart in mouth each time. I hate attention but want to be heard. I wanted to be an animal doctor, wildlife researcher, corps de ballet dancer and a secretary when I was a child and I still understand my own reasoning for each. I will kick out if anyone appears to be curbing my independence. Top of my bucket list remains seeing gorillas in the mountaintops of Rwanda.
Today, I have my health, a better understanding of my heart and am building my own happiness separate to, but not removing myself from, anyone else. I keep perspective by going somewhere that helps me feel small: the coast, the forest, the hill or the storm. Tonight, as the Supermoon rises, I will give thanks for all that I have…and then work out what to wear tomorrow, wonder what time I’ll get into work and how much work is waiting there, wonder what the evening will bring….
I am, after all, just as we all are, forever and a day, perfectly imperfect. Unique in our nuances and what we bring to the world. Today, thank you for being you.