When I was a child, I used to look up at the clouds, wish I could hop on them and drift away. My life wasn’t bad, I just knew there was more and I didn’t know how to get there. As an adult, science tells you that you’ll never sit on a cloud. So it seems even harder to get where you know is waiting for you.
Whenever I think I have it cracked and am gaining momentum, I am reminded that I appear no wiser, no stronger, no better. Peace is built from deep within and yet it seems the most openly vulnerable in a world that champions activity and power. There are days I can feel like a spirit, others like a rag doll. It seems that the past I try to leave behind still nips at the Achilles, threatening to make me stumble. I’ve a new life but with old patterns still showing. I walk forward but wonder if I am really just pacing in cycles.
It’s harder yet to sit into feelings like this, without adding in anyone else’s voice, to feel what is being shown to you. The courage to see the lesson and to heed the message takes fear for me. The fear of not learning outweighs the wish to push it all deep back within and have it scar more. They say a lesson never goes away until it is learned – well then, I will keep finding the will to be the best student yet.
The mind can be a prison some days and, for my every tomorrow, I will learn to be free. So I acknowledge what I know. That which threatened to crush me, never did and never will. Even if people can’t see me making changes, my heart knows I am. I am better at counting blessings and keeping perspective on the necessary darker days that bring light to those blessings. I speak myself more and back myself more. I know my fear better and therefore must be better friends with my courage. I must champion myself and listen only to the cheerleaders – of which I luckily have many.