So this week I got the all clear on the 4th lump/anomaly in my body that has ever revealed itself to me. Clearly I am one of the lucky ones. Clearly my body likes to send me little reminders of what I am learning and trying to live by, just to keep me on track. There is a saying that a lesson doesn’t go away until it’s learned. Well, here I am trying to learn.
I have had issue with my body for a lot of my life. I was either too plain, my ankles too fat or not curvy enough. My fingers are too long, my rib cage too prominent. You get the picture: I’m an idiot. Because, seriously? Who actually cares? Who doesn’t know that unless you carry yourself with honour and grace that you’re ugly anyway? Who can’t see that your body is your own unique fashioning around your own spirit? It’s a beautiful vessel that allows you to carry and express the core of you and really nothing more. We all know someone who is both stunning and incredibly ugly, and also stereotypically ‘average’ looking and the most beautiful person you know.
It’s a cliche but what’s inside matters. And what you do with it is even more important. I’m learning how much I’ve compromised over my lifetime so far. Words and expressions of my truth I’ve quashed to be kind to someone else have, bit by bit, dwindled my true spirit to barely a flicker. Anchoring myself to other people’s expectations have held me back. Placing everyone else higher and yet defining myself as lazy and selfish had got me only into knots. Believing that my judgement is innately flawed and therefore looking to others’ judgement have got me as close to regret as I want to get. I have to believe that who I am is valuable and beautiful even if I can’t see the manifestation of that yet.
There is one voice that rules all and it’s one that speaks more clearly these days. It’s my own. My own guidance system. It speaks to me in mind and body, heart and dream. It’s my best friend and I have shunned it for decades. Recently she and I have reconvened. There are a few things to reconcile and to forgive. But the more I get to know her, the more I trust again. You can’t have an enemy inside yourself. It’s too painful, too tiring and too dangerous.
So we’re making friends. I have returned to my school days understanding that I love getting on with people and happily converse with more affection than most people understand. And I won’t change that because I love it. If I listen, I can hear the difference between the ego, the past and my compassionate truth. I speak out more among friends if I think they need me to be a compassionate mirror. I agreed that I didn’t want the last job I applied for even though my ego fought me all the way to the rejection. I acknowledge that ego has had a part to play in why the last few months have been so hard. I agreed that this lump was almost certainly nothing but a reminder of that even when the old patterns were screaming at me to be scared. And I am more than grateful at being nudged to have that officially confirmed.
Each day I learn to tune into it, pay it credence and embrace it, the stronger I get. There is a battle being waged, silently, surreptitiously and stealthily. Moment by moment, I am coming back to life. It sounds daft but it’s true. I trust that I am a good and open person. Things I bit my lip over I now won’t, because I understand I say it from a good place and without the need to defend myself. When tears fall, they’re no longer for my weakness but to say goodbye to old patterns which no longer serve and I will shed. I cannot breathe in this body of mine to sustain life and then look at it with subtle venom. I will be chasing more of my dreams, regardless of how that affects others, because I know they are an integral part of my path. And that means all the integral travelling partners will keep up. I can either do more of what I know is right for me and trust that that will always keep me in the right company or trust that that lesson will repeat itself again some day.
PS this is not an expression of a simplistic ’cause and effect’ equation around health. This is how I am choosing to use this week’s event as my own catalyst.