Progress is a hard thing to define. When you live with yourself each day, as we all do, I find it hard sometimes to know whether I’ve got anywhere. Logic says yes. Of course. With the passing of time, there must be movement. But my heart always wants proof that the movement has advanced not regressed me.
Yesterday I heard a new line I’ve been repeating more frequently and more recently. And I smiled when I heard it then. It starts with ‘if you’d asked me 6 months ago….’ It may seem like a trivial prefacing of a statement, but its undertones are crucial to me. Because for a long time, that phrase has been ‘if you’d known me 10 years ago…’ So here I am acknowledging progress.
Six months ago, I knew very little of reiki. Now I’ve passed my level II and am even more excited about it than I thought I would be. I know it’s a huge part of my life and journey now, and I am grateful that I listened to every little hint that this was a direction I needed to flow into. It takes me back to enabling people, connecting with people and seeing good souls shine as they should.
Six months ago I was cowering at work, looking for ways out with the desperation of a rat on a sinking ship. Now I am speaking with more confidence, stepping into situations eyes open and not simultaneously trying to sidle out of the door. I feel clearer on what I expect to see professionally from this around me instead of trying to unquestionably dance to the puppet master. And it’s fun.
Six months ago, I’d spent four years being bone tired. Setting up a life away from everyone who knows me well; fighting to get a job and keep a job; living with elements of my life well beyond my comfort zone; dragging myself back from the brink of quitting; conscious of being at the whim of Immigration has all taken its toll. But finally, there are glimmers of an old and well-missed sense of freedom. Freedom to be me, to work as I want, speak as I feel, travel as I need and connect with less fear of loss. Now I can afford the luxury of being grateful for this chapter as it was been my boldest teacher yet. For a long time, my report card (as when I was a child) read ‘could do better’. Well now I intend to graduate in style even if I don’t know how to yet.
Six months ago today, I started this blog with trepidation. Each day, you’ve all taught me to be open, vulnerable but strong, and to respect all that you share. Thank you for the follows, the comments, the support and the friendships. You’ve all been priceless signposts on the most fun journey yet.