This week, I’ve woken twice in the middle of the night to a churning stomach about work. This week, I’ve woken twice to a feeling that I thought I’d put to bed a while ago. I thought I’d gained perspective, a balance between caring about work but not mistaking it for living as a soul with creative intentions. Something has re-triggered old patterns and I was curious.
This week, I’ve seen colleagues truly under pressure. And, as others under pressure sometimes do unintentionally, there has been a muddying of the clarity on direction. As as the direction has gone a little wayward, there’s been a falter in confidence. And without confidence, there has been a need for someone else to answer in the right way at the right time. And I haven’t been able to deliver the right answers at the right time in the right way. So in I’ve allowed myself to be pulled.
And as I’ve spun in, I’ve begun their patterns, my old patterns, patterns that will seem familiar, I’m sure. A slight defensiveness, an impatience, an over formalisation of conversation, a slight drop in productivity, a little less mojo. For the first time this week, I’ve sat at my desk and thought ‘I could actually just walk out’. And for the first time this week, I’ve met the fears head on. I’ve gone and had the meetings that I thought would confirm my worst fears. I’ve raised attention to things I’d normally go into ostrich-mode over: you know, that kid mode where you pretend that if you can’t see them coz you have your eyes shut, they can’t see you??
As I slide into Friday, it’s been a mammoth week but I’ve set myself targets of finding solutions. Not just to the work but also to not be triggered by others’ stress. I want to be triggered by others’ happiness instead. So I’m taking a moment to smile at any levity I hear on the office floor. I’m taking moments to feel the balmy air brush my skin or the tropical rain soak in. I’m sticking to my morning yoga no matter how drained I feel. And I write posts about positive intention 😉 I don’t want to fall back into the trap of wishing my life into weekend windows. Because there is more happiness inside me than stress. So, on this Thursday evening as I travel home, I hereby challenge the world to trigger me happy, I’m ready and willing.
May you all have a beautifully happy day too.