From my mat each day, I am humbled by many things. I am humbled by the inner voices I suddenly hear and the things I’ve let them say unchecked until now. I am humbled when I see the boxes they’ve created for me in which to exist and not beyond. I am humbled by the differences each day brings to my body, what it can do one day, it can’t always do the next. I am humbled about how I can accept changes in the physical better than I can in the emotional, and how long it’s taking to balance that. And I am humbled by what I hear as wisdom I have always known reiterated to me gently and quietly.
I know that I do myself a service spending time on myself, in myself, for myself every day. I know that it makes me calmer and brighter and stronger. What I forget is that it’s not just for that day, but that it’s a lifestyle now. I have taught myself to think that that is important, important enough to make time for, to no longer put off. I’ve told my mind that it’s integral to my growth and so it is. And more than that, I show the others in my life that I hold myself in that esteem now. I show them daily that I will nurture myself routinely to be a better me and a better connection for them. I show them what I understand as self-respect, what I am aiming for, and therefore what their connection to me can amplify.
It’s such a vastly different place from where I used to be, rendering myself and my needs as subservient to everyone else. I learnt to ‘touch text’ just so I could support others at any time, no matter what I was doing. I opened my doors to those who slammed doors on others and I had no heed to myself. And from this perspective, ‘neurons that fire together, wire together’, no wonder that I ended up surrounded by people with control issues! No wonder those I gravitated to had no idea how to honour me as an individual. Because I had no idea what I was, who I was and what I had to offer. And so the neural patterns reified into a full lifestyle of that which did not serve me.
The future is not somewhere you go, it’s something you create. I have spent the last three years building up consciously and consistently towards a better future, and I will do my best to do so until my last breath for what you do today will affect what happens later. What you repeat will shape the next days in the mind:body. What you defer will not magically disappear. What you ignore will still remain present.
My yoga, reiki and readings remind me what it is to ground and to expand, and my brain to keep firing in that way. They remind me and my thought processes to flow and to embrace change and challenge as ways to open me up to new possibilities. They peacefully reiterate that trying to fix things the old way and expecting a new outcome will only make for a disappointing life. Every day, I am reminded that I am the only one who will make the better me happen.
Today, above all, I was reminded how much we choose what we see and how we choose the story to go with it. Today, I set myself a challenge to stand true and centred in Vrikshasana with eyes shut, to stop relying so much on the visual but wiring more of my sense of balance on feel. Today, I realised that trying to reach Hanumanasana is much akin to learning Spanish after French, that I’ve done something similar but not this. And that if I do it head bowed and body rigid, I will not wire the pose as something amazing, but something painful and arduous. Today, of all days, I remembered that my teachers are everywhere and a day spent nestled in the calcified troughs of old thoughts is a day when I won’t spark new thoughts, feelings, actions and world into light and growth.
Today it seemed apt that the winds blew strong, the sun blazed hard and the raindrops fell to a muted rumble of thunder as I rolled my mat up for the day…